Coping with a spouse with high sex drive


Men are believed to have high sex drive in marriages but women too can, depending on several factors. Being married to someone with a low sex drive when one has a high sex drive can be frustrating.

Reflecting on the issue, a husband, Mr Utoro Ubong, said that he studied his wife before they got married hence he doesn’t make too much demand from her.

Ubong said that being the one with a high sex drive in their marriage, his wife doesn’t complain about it.

He said, “I studied her before marriage because I have been exposed to sex and she has not been exposed by then. Due to this, I decided to ensure that I don’t demand too much so that she won’t get tired of the entire thing.

“I don’t feel frustrated when she can’t satisfy me or explore new sex styles. Sex is gradual, for someone like her who has not been really exposed to the physical practice of sex before marriage, there’ll be limitations. As a result of this, that’s where my own understanding comes in and with time she’ll get better. In fact, she’s getting better gradually. In a matter of time, she will be at that level where she won’t complain.”

He said the both reached a compromise before marriage, noting that it made everything work well.

Ubong stated, “You can’t have a marriage without reaching a compromise. We both had to find a common ground and it made sense. Before marriage, we underwent counselling and I guess that’s why it’s working. The counselling we got before marriage isn’t just restricted to our daily lives alone, it cuts deeply into our sexual lives and it’s applicable.”

In his contribution to the issue, a married man and pharmacist, Mr Dan Rujah, said it was good for couples to understand one another before they married.

He said, “Of course, before we got married, we dated and in one way or the other, I must have known that part of her. This means before I got married, I should prepare beforehand to play my own side and to make sure I was ready and that’s probably why we say ‘I do’ to each other.

“In a situation where I never knew before marriage and she kept on pestering me for sex, I will take some steps. To satisfy her, I will make sure I’m healthy. I’ll keep fit and eat good food, so I don’t affect myself mentally or emotionally.”

Rujah said, “It’s a natural thing. It’s something psychological but there is nothing that does not have a solution if the mind is made up. That’s part of what I would do so that it does not affect me and so that I don’t offend the woman I love.”

Also speaking, a married woman, Mrs Busola Adeleke, said her husband has a high sex drive and have been able to work round it.

She said, “My husband has a high sex drive. I am not up to his level in that area. We have known this about each other before we got married. He understands me and I also understand him so he helps me to some extent. Though my sex drive is not still up to his, I am better off than when we first got married.”

Adeleke advised women with difficulty coping with a partner having a high sex drive to explore communication.

She added, “Men with high sex drive should communicate with their wives effectively. Some women are shy when it comes to talking about sex. They should let their husband teach them what he expects from them. Women should spice up their sex lives; that way the man will be satisfied even if he is not completely satisfied and he won’t look outside.”

Examining the issue, a marriage counsellor, Ijeoma Popoola, said in the early stage of many marriages, couples can’t keep their hands off one another.

She said, “As the euphoric feelings of love and connection go down and life begins to happen, sexual frequency and desire do naturally nose-dives. If both partners’ libido cools at the same proportion that would be nice. However, it rarely happens that way. What’s common is one partner wanting sex more than the other. Contrary to stereotypes that men are the high sex drive partners, there are marriages where the wives have a higher sex drive compared to their husband.”

Popoola advised couples not to think negatively when such a situation arises.

She stated, “Do not see it as a bad or negative thing whether you are the low or high sex drive partner. You are only on a different spectrum and that’s okay. You aren’t alone in this. Also, take responsibility for your marriage. Marriage is made for two servers, not for fighting for personal rights. Sex is one way to meet each other’s needs.

“Rather than pointing fingers, ask what you can do to make things better. Why do I have a lower drive? Is it something treatable? What are my prerequisites for sex? What can I do on my part for us to have a healthy sex life?”

Popoola said an issue with one’s spouse is the couple’s issue, not just one person, people should see their spouse as themselves. She urged them to treat their partner the way they would want to be treated and not shame or judge their spouse negatively.

She said, “I once had a young woman in counselling whose husband had a higher sex drive and wanted certain sexual acts the wife wasn’t comfortable with. She had to lovingly allow him to understand her sexual boundaries as difficult as it was. And he had to respect and honour those boundaries.

“Learn to say no without saying no: When you are dealing with a spouse with a higher sex drive, an outright no can make your partner feel rejected and unwanted. It crushes men especially because they tend to take it personally. Many times a partner doesn’t want sex just to release sexual pressure; masturbation can take care of that. For many men especially (women too) sex is homecoming, it’s how they further feel connected to their spouses.”

She advised people with high sex drive on what to do if their partners have a low sex drive

She stated, “Have a healthy conversation: Communication is the foundation of intimacy. Every married couple should learn to normalise sex talk. Every couple should learn skills on how to have open trusting, and safe communication. This would help in dealing with this. A high sexual drive could be a result of your partner’s biological makeup, medication, hormone levels, physical activity, or his/her personality. Some individuals need sex to feel connected, loved, secure, and desired.

“Have sex dates, low sex drive partners can take time to prepare their minds for sex. Introduce new techniques and styles to make sex more pleasurable and fun. Focus on connection than performance. Ask for affection, you may want to have sex more with a partner that shows affection the way you desire it. Finally, you can seek the help of a sex therapist to teach how to navigate the difference for a mutually satisfying sex life.”

Another relationship and marriage counsellor, Mr David Ovie, said a partner with a high sex drive should discuss with their spouse for him or her not to lose interest.

Ovie said, “We think that men have high sex drive than women. Talking from experience and issues that I have handled, out of 10 cases, seven cases were men with high sex drive. In a case where the man is the one with a high sex drive and the woman has a low sex drive, the first thing I advise the woman to do is to find a way to communicate with the man making sure he is not losing interest. Most times, when a man sees that the woman is not meeting up to their expectations, they lose interest. The woman should let the husband know that she is aware he has a high sex drive.

“The woman should learn how to satisfy her husband because that’s where the problem lies. She should be able to ask the man what she can do to satisfy him and commit herself to most of what the man asks for. She has to be deliberate about it if she wants to keep her man at home.”

*Victoria Adenekan, Punch


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here